Control
by Ayla Pascal
Summary: Tom's a virgin because he doesn't want to give up control. Albus/Tom.


"You're a virgin?" Albus exclaimed in surprise.

Tom stiffened. He could feel Albus's eyes boring into him. "You say that as if it's a bad thing," he snapped. "It's a perfectly natural state." He was already regretting telling Albus. It wasn't as though they were even friends. At the back of Tom's mind, he knew that he was only being this open because of the alcohol and that he would regret it in the morning. Undoubtedly, Albus Dumbledore would find some way to use this information against him. Tom had always felt that Albus hadn't liked him back when he was still at Hogwarts.

"I didn't mean that," Albus said quickly. "I just meant that, well, you were always so popular. You were never lacking for a date."

Tom shrugged. He felt like whatever he said, he would be digging himself into a deeper hole. "I don't believe in sex before marriage," he said. That line usually worked with the men and women he had dated before. In fact, it had usually led them to leave his bedroom as fast as they could move, but Tom didn't mind.

Albus snorted. "I never took you for the middle-class Muggle type," he said, tilting his head to one side.

"What makes you think that I'm not?" Tom challenged. "I am Muggle-born, after all. In the Muggle world, sex before marriage is anathema."

"In the Muggle world, a man having sex with another man is also anathema," Albus pointed out. "I've seen you on dates with men before."

Tom resisted the urge to narrow his eyes. "In any case, I don't understand what interest you have in my virginity."

To Tom's surprise, Albus reached over and placed his hands on top of Tom's. "I have always been interested in you," he said and then laughed, looking embarrassed. "Not in that way, at least not at first."

Tom felt as though he was glued in his chair. All around them, the sounds of Hogsmeade seemed to fade away into the background. Albus withdrew his hand but Tom found himself following the hand with his eyes until it settled in Albus's lap. His skin was tingling where Albus had touched him. "This conversation is inappropriate."

Albus leaned forward. Tom could feel his heart beat faster as Albus ran a finger down his cheek. There was something distracting being around Albus that stopped Tom concentrating on more important things, like his research and he hated that. It made him feel like he no longer had control. At the back of Tom's mind, he wondered if he also made Albus feel like that.

Abruptly, Tom pushed his chair back and stood up. "I must be going now," he said. "You can try your manipulations elsewhere." He had seen this kind of manipulation before. Tom had always known that sex and relationships were something that he wanted to avoid. He knew it when he saw his classmates break down after relationships. He knew it when he saw formerly strong, independent people turn into shadows of their previous selves after relationships. He knew it when he saw the power games played using sex in the Slytherin common room and sleeping quarters.

"It isn't always like that," Albus insisted.

Tom spun around and stared. He was sure he didn't say anything out aloud, but there was a knowing expression in Albus's eyes. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Albus stood up and walked over. "This," he said. "It isn't a manipulation." He licked his lips. "I'm not trying one of your Slytherin power games. Yes, I do know about those." He leaned forward and before Tom could protest, he felt Albus's lips on his own.

It wasn't as though Tom hadn't kissed people before. He had kissed both men and women, but on his own terms. He had never felt so off-balance before like he did whenever he was around Albus. Even when he was eleven and thought he had known everything he needed to know about the world, Albus had come and changed his entire reality. And now, here he was doing it again.

-***-

It took them over two months to end up in bed together. Two months where Tom kept on looking over his shoulder to see the punch line. He felt like he was spiralling into a vortex. It felt like he didn't have control, but it was okay. When he explained it, Albus had simply laughed.

"That's what love is," Albus said simply and Tom felt his heart skip.

Love.

Love was when he came up behind Albus while Albus was cooking just to kiss him. The spaghetti ended up spoiled but they were both laughed and then had sex on the kitchen table.

Love was when Albus turned down a Ministry of Magic position just to stay at Hogwarts to be near him.

Love was when Tom didn't tell Albus that he had also been offered a Ministry position because he knew that Albus loved teaching and loved Hogwarts. He knew that Albus wouldn't be happy at the Ministry in amongst the vicious Ministry politics.

"Move in with me?" Albus asked quietly, one evening, six months later. Tom was curled up on the other chair next to the fireplace, reading a book.

"Of course," Tom said. He smiled. There was nothing in the world that he wanted more.

It was the next day that he managed to find Albus's love letters to Gellert Grindelwald. Tom's fingers trembled as he read the letters, declaring Albus's love forever.

-***-

Tom felt as though the world was slipping out from under his feet. He could hear his breath coming quickly and his heart hammering in his chest. His hands felt slippery and he yanked them away from Albus. "You loved him?" he managed to get out, throwing the letters onto the table. There was a slight tremble in his voice. Tom was glad that his tone didn't give away the depth of his true emotions. It wouldn't do to let Albus know how much his words had hurt.

Albus reached out again, but Tom took a step backwards. "I _did_ love him," he said helplessly. "It was years and years ago. I'm sorry, Tom. I meant to tell you before."

"You _meant_ to," Tom said mockingly. He felt as though he had just been doused with icy water, as if somebody had scrubbed his very soul raw. "Six months and you couldn't find a single moment to tell me?"

Albus took a step forward. "I'm sorry."

Tom took a few deep, even breaths until he felt like he could speak calmly. "I knew that this was a bad idea," he said. There was a flash of hurt in Albus's eyes.

"It doesn't have to end like this," Albus pleaded.

"Yes, it does," Tom said. He had always known that it was too good to be true. He would never be the only person in Albus's heart. No matter what Albus had said, no matter what promises Albus had made, Tom had always felt like that whenever he was with Albus, his world was spiralling out of control. He had known that ever since he had deliberately taken a job close to Hogwarts to be able to see Albus. He had known it when he had immediately felt his world brightening whenever he was around Albus. Even now, he wanted to reach out and take Albus's hands. He wanted to tell Albus that it was going to be okay and that they would get over this. But he didn't. "Goodbye Albus," he said softly.

As Tom turned to leave, he could see Albus's eyes shining with unshed tears. "Tom," Albus said as he grabbed his arm. "Please stay."

Tom was surprised to feel a little thrill go through him when he realised that he had control of the situation now. He had always felt that Albus had the upper hand in their relationship, but no more. He leaned over and pressed a kiss on Albus's forehead. "I won't stay. I have too much to do."

With that, Tom walked away.


End file.
